Who will save us from the Zompireghostalienwolf apocalypse?

Originally Posted July 29, 2011

Ghosts had their heyday in the 80s and are poised for a retro comeback. Aliens dominated the scene until Will Smith killed them all. Then vampires got hot for a minute but now they seem to have a dwindling fan club of 12-year-old girls. A recent resurgence of zombies seems to have taken the torch in the movie monster popularity contest but they’re just getting sooooo mainstream. MTV is trying to bring back the werewolf, but without Michael J. Fox let’s face it, they don’t stand a chance.

Most people are very loyal to one of these hellish abominations (personally I lean towards Zombie Nation). Willing to go to extreme lengths to prove a point, a devoted fan can argue for hours on which of these beasts is A) the most likel to manifest itself in real life, B) which apocalyptic scenario humans would most likely survive, and C) in what way could we possibly surmise to combat each creature.

I’m not here to argue for the existence of one of these groups over another; quite the opposite in fact. As a society, we’ve come to a conclusion that the end of the world will be attributable to an attack by ONE of these species. Countless movies and books have been written to prepare us for how to handle an attack by a singular genus of the supernatural family (e.g. Independence DayThe Zombie Survival Guide, etc.) However, what happens if they all bombard our feeble planet at the same time?

My intuition is that all of these savage beasts have been watching our blockbuster films for the past 50 years right along with us. Time and time again, they watch their species fall to the much weaker (but apparently smarter?) human race. And you know what? I think they’re pissed off. Assuming that they’ve formed a secret alliance and are planning a total deconstruction of planet Earth, we’re going to need to form a team of specialists to give us any sort of hope at all. Here’s what I suggest:


Arnold Schwarzenegger – An obvious choice. His experience with aliens (PredatorTotal Recall) and uncanny knowledge of weapons makes him vital to this team. Also, it will be nice to have a politic around if the opposing nightmare decides to negotiate.


Bill Paxton – One of only two people to be killed in the Alien, Terminator, and Predatorfranchises, Bill has a unique understanding of the enemy’s attack techniques. He also brings to the table rock-climbing skills  (Vertical Limit), an understanding of weather phenomena (Twister), and polygamy (Big Love) which will come in handy if we need to repopulate the planet.


Keanu Reeves – While not the smartest member of our savior squad, he is a proven martial arts expert (The Matrix) and did defeat Death himself in numerous games including Clue, Twister, and Battleship (Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey).


Bill Murray – One could argue that Ray Stantz or Egon Spengler would make for a better ghost expert for our team, but Dr. Peter Venkman’s ability to think outside the box and overall coolness factor make him a better candidate. He also has first-hand exposure to zombies (Zombieland) and will provide incredible comic relief to this dark situation.


Michael J. Fox – Not only has the Fox lived amongst the werewolves, he is also an expert on time travel (Back to the Future). If we screw up and need a mulligan, he’s got our back.


These Anime Chicks - We need some women on the force for profiling purposes and these two look pretty fierce.


Wesley Snipes – Vampire slayer extraordinaire (Blade). Not to mention, if zombies challenge us to a game of basketball, we can count on Snipes to dunk on their ass with style. I’m listening to you Wesley, and you know what, I’m hearing you, too.


Bruce Campbell – A chainsaw as one hand, a shotgun in the other. Nuff said.


The 3 Ninjas – No experience with the supernatural, but these slippery little buggers seem to get themselves out of any situation so why think this would be any different?


Ted Nugent – If rock ‘n’ roll is all that can save our souls, we can count on the Motor City Madman to deliver us from the depths of hell. Not to mention, he’s one hell of a shot with a bow and arrow.


Steven Quincy Urkel – We’re going to need brains to pull this thing off and Urkel’s the best of the lot. He’ll do anything for Laura, and that includes saving the planet. Plus it’ll be righteous when his apparatus blows up millions of vampires and he says, “Did I do that?”


Samuel L. Jackson – He’s a Jedi and good at saying “fuck.”


Justin Bieber – The Bait. I don’t know what it is about this lesbian but everybody seems to love him. If my theory is correct, so will our supernatural enemy. We’ll use the Biebs to lure Satan’s servants to a concert. When we’ve got them all in one place, we’ll release our final members of the team…


The Bob-ombs – Made famous for the ruckus they caused in the world of Super Mario, we’ll release thousands of Bob-ombs at the Bieber show destroying our enemy. Never say never, Biebs. Never say never.