Curse You, Mom and Dad. I Should Have Been On The Cover Of Tiger Beat.

Originally Posted May 22, 2011

Blessed with all gifts in the world, I was doomed from the start. I had all the makings to be a child actor – a shining, golden bowl cut, sparkling blue eyes, a smile that made both 1st graders and 1st grade teachers melt, and charisma that would make Hitler look like he had a hard time rallying his troops. But I was missing one thing, quite possibly the most important of all. I didn’t have a set of money-grubbing parents to force me, kicking and screaming, into audition after audition. Without unloving, selfish guardians, I never stood a chance.


Maybe you don’t understand the level my child stardom would have reached. You see, it couldn’t have been set up more perfectly. My name is Taylor Jonathan Siolka (which would have been changed to Taylor Jonathan Jackson for the stage). I would have emerged on the scene at the same time Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ career was peaking on Home ImprovementTiger Beat would constantly pit us as rivals - JTT vs. TJJ, who’s hotter?! We would have been Edward vs. Jacob when Edward and Jacob were still pooping their pants.

As our films would battle at the box office week in and week out, things would start to get serious. Middle school girls would bring guns to school to prove their devotion to Team TJJ, spraying the walls with the blood of Team JTT girls. I of course would not condone this. JTT and I would issue a public service announcement about safety in schools and how you don’t need to like the same things as people around you to be friends and see the beauty inside them.

In an ultimate publicity move, JTT and I would finally make a movie together. We would play best friends with single parents. Meg Ryan would play his mom. My dad would either be played by Steve Gutenberg or some sort of animated cat (I’ll leave that up to the creatives in Hollywood). The two of us would be stoked when our parents undoubtedly got together. It would only make it easier for us to sneak out at night to try and hook up with the Olsen twins. Naturally when our parents’ relationship started to struggle, we’d blame the other’s parent. I’d start playing hilarious pranks on Meg Ryan like cutting her hair in her sleep (ultimately she’d look cuter with short hair making causing my prank to backfire… God, I love 90’s Meg Ryan) and JTT would make my dad sit in chocolate pudding before his big meeting at the office. The movie would gross ten times as much as Titanic and would probably still be running in theaters to this day.

This would begin our run as The Coreys of the 90s. Best buds that live life in the fast lane. I’m very impressionable so I’d get into drugs. All sorts of drugs. I’d be doing blow off ofClarrissa Explains it All and shooting up on the set of The Secret World of Alex MackAre You Afraid of The Dark? would no longer be scary because everyone would just be terrified of the nightmare that my downward spiral of a life had become.

There’s a chance that in the year 2011 I’d be primed for a comeback. Finally got my life back on track. I’d take acting seriously after becoming good friends with Ryan Gosling. Maybe I’d even have a Mickey Rourke moment – emerging from the ground and knocking on the doors of the Oscars. More likely I’d go the way of Jonathan Brandis and tie a rope around my neck before I hit 30. But don’t you see, Mom and Dad? This existence should have been mine. If only you would have forced me into a life that I never wanted.