Things I Have In Common with Jean-Claude Van Damme

Originally Posted February 22, 2011 at 10:23pm

As a 6 year old boy, I always thought I would grow up to be Jean-Claude Van Damme (from here on referred to as JCVD). Did I literally think I would grow up to have his body, face, personality, and actual name? Yes. Of course I did. That was the beauty of being six – you can dream big. Some kids chased smaller, more attainable goals like being an astronaut or a professional football player, but I reached for the stars.

Unfortunately, somewhere down the line I became jaded, unfocused, and cynical like the rest of society and gave up my dream of becoming the legendary JCVD. What happened? Maybe too many people told me I couldn’t do it, that it was physically impossible. Maybe in high school I just wanted to fit in when it became uncool to constantly pretend I was in an international full contact karate tournament. Whatever the reason, it is certain that I am not currently JCVD. But that doesn’t mean I’m not bits and pieces of him. I’ve compiled a list of things I have in common with JCVD to better understand how close (or far away) from my boyhood dreams I actually got.

1. We both have accents. Granted, his only sounds like an accent if he’s in America and mine only sounds like an accent if I’m in Belgium.

2. We both kick things. He kicks cyborgs in the face and I accidentally bag my shin against the coffee table. I think we’re both fighting evil in some way or another.

3. He was in Double Team with Dennis Rodman and I own a Dennis Rodman jersey. This is no coincidence.

4. In Double Impact, one JCVD twin is kind and likes dancing while the other has slicked back hair, smokes cigars, and rides badass motorcycles. I’m pretty sure I have a badass twin that rides motorcycles but we just never seem to be in the same room at the same time.

5. He can do the splits between two bar stools. I can sit between two bar stools.

6. He was a cop that traveled through time. I can close my eyes late at night and when I open them I have traveled through 8 hours of time.

7. He’s good with guns. I’m allergic to buns. These things rhyme.

8. He’s a national hero in his country. I’m a hero of Country Time Lemonade. I possess the ability to drink up to 4 WHOLE glasses on a hot summer day.

9. Neither one of us has ever been to outer space. But if I have it my way, we’ll start the first karate dojo on Mars together.

All in all, I guess there’s nothing to be ashamed about. Going over this list, we’re practically the same person. In fact, I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to think that he might be sitting in front of his computer right now making a list of things he has in common with me.